There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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