dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
