Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
