you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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