You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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