Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
