Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
