Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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