we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
