I take back everything I said about communal showers
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
