I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
