Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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