after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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