Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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