Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
