From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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