he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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