ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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