How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
