I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
