The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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