is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
