On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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