About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
