I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
