If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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