tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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