I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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