If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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