No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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