like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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