Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
