her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
why do cheetos always look like penises
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
