There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
