There r osticjed everywhere
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
