Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
