So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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