True but thats because hes a fetus.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
