I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
