Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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