My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
