apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
