guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This baby is an asshole
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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