Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
