I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
