I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
