I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
