This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
