After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
