he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I cannot find my penis.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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