If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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