how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
